Note: Those those who have inadvertently stumbled across this post, this'll all probably seem pretty inane. Just another pleb online, whining about how tough life can be as they sit in their warm house, typing away on their broadband connected laptop with stuff playing on the PS3 in the background. How can we possibly cope in this cruel world of Starbucks coffee and cheap bacon?
I don't need to justify writing in this blog, but fully understand how melodramatic it may appear. And by "may appear", I mean "is".
There are no prizes for reading any of this - I've not even glanced at it myself. There's something torcherously pleasurable in posting inane warblings without reading them back. Expect plenty of repeated words and unfinished trails of thought.
I could complain about work. Firstly, the soul/health destroying work I entered the year with, ultimately leading to a climactic absence of any work at all.
I could complain about all that, but I won't. I chose to work a shit job. I chose to leave it. And I chose to sit on my arse, stagnating while I wished the world around me to get better.
But that's not how things work. Life will always find a way to kick you when you're down. Good things can always crumble to dust. Most people will always be untrustworthy - Not necessarily because they're horrible people, but because we try to entrust them with too much responsibility... Without actually telling them. (Well, in my case at least.)
Things, at times, have seemed pretty bleak... But it's not all be bad. There's no point in focusing on the negative aspects of life.
..But let's do that anyway. This is the internet, after all.
This year has shown me how pointless my existence is within the world of manual labour/traditional work.
It's dealt me painful blows from family; from heart-wrenching guilt trips, to soul destroying realisations of your own unimportance to relatives, digging up painful memories of past pains.
It's shown me how little some people think of you - people you thought you could trust.
And it's dealt me some of the most gut-wrenching heart break I've ever experienced.
I've felt more alone this year than I have ever felt in my life.
But that's not all this year has been about. As hard as it has been at times, I've also been, quite possibly, happier than I've ever been.
I moved home, started setting up my own business, found new hobbies, improved old skills, invested in excellent equipment, made some films, created some music, met many new and interesting people, had one of the most amazing summers of my life, and fallen deeper in love than I think I've ever fallen. For a while, at least, I was phenomenally happy.
Looking back, that's more than I could have hoped for, really.
And I hope that when I cast nostalgic eyes on this year, I'll remember only the happy times.
Sitting in the park in my birthday during a summer festival, hung-over after the impromptu drinks with new friends the night before.
Laughing at terrible films I'd never seen, with people I felt privileged to have met.
Dancing and laughing and various parties until the sun rose.
Wandering around, admiring the beauty of new surroundings.
Filming brilliant projects and festivals, using a heap of new equipment.
Becoming managing editor of a brilliant video games website, building a steady readership and ultimately getting over 35,000 views on a single article.
Getting into photography, and losing myself within a new world.
Sent films to festivals and received greatly uplifting feedback.
Started new and interesting projects with colleagues old and new.
Cooked delicious meals I'd never cooked before.
And, most enjoyable of all, simply spending time with someone I cherished more than anyone I've ever shared my life with.
During this time I felt something I had never felt before - content. For once I didn't want to keep moving. I wasn't thinking about where I'd be next, what my next plan was or how long I'd stay put. For once in my life I'd found a place I was happy - with people around me I wanted to spend more time with. It really was alien to me this feeling, but I was finally happy to to settle down for a while and focus on what I could do right here and now.
Sadly this concept scared and confused me - like a meandering kitten wandering aimlessly across a road. I didn't know at the time whether to stay safe at the side, or do what I always do and wander blindly into traffic.
Once I had finally realised what I wanted, though, it was too late. Things were changing rapidly, and I couldn't keep up. Through the good times spawned bad.
It seemed the better things were and the happier I became, the less I could handle it. My self-destructive nature and recent emotional hardships caused simple changes in my life to backfire; imploding on themselves until I'd unknowingly pushed away everything I held dear to me.
As bad as things seemed, I still had things to latch on to. I started foolishly clinging to false hope, desperately attached to the notion that things could simply go back to the way they were, when things seemed simpler. Happier. I was stagnating in a world of fantasy, leaving my life on pause while I waited for things to fix themselves. But, as stated in the forth paragraph, that's not how things work in this world.
For things to change, we need to make change. I needed to make changes.
Things may have been tough, but things have been tough before. I've been through hardships and heart-breaks. I've gained and lost friends, learnt the hard way who I could and couldn't trust. I've failed at things in the past.
But I've also succeeded. And I've only succeeded when I've refused to give up.
By focusing on all the negativity in my life, I'd forgotten about everything good. Or, more importantly, everyone good in my life.
Times felt tough, but there was always someone over the phone to talk to. A call, a text, an email, a letter... That's all I needed to pull me through. And there were certain people still around me I could trust - people right under my nose that I could confide in, that would listen to all my belly-aching without judgement. People that have always been here when I've truly needed them, but were momentarily lost to my narcissistic pessimism.
Like the feeble protagonist in a spin-off to a Disney film, I realised that all I needed were these close friends all along. Old school friends, university pals, house mates, Tinman, Scarecrow, the entire cast of Care Bears... All with me as soon as I needed them, without me even having to ask. I won't name these friends here - as much as I appreciate their help throughout absolutely everything in life, it just somehow seems tacky to name them. Nor do I want to offend people by not listing them. Plus, there has been a plethora of other people who have shown their friendship in other ways.
Besides, I'm sure these friends know I'm talking about them anyway.
Except you, Reuben.
I've got strong plans and convictions for 2012. Normally I just have a vague plan of at least 1 thing I want to achieve in the year to come - something I often fail to remember, let alone attempt to accomplish.
I've got film projects in the pipeline, involving things I've never done before. I've started developing ideas for films with old colleagues, experimenting with different mediums. I've invested in plenty of new film and lighting equipment, meaning I can finally shoot the things floating around my mind, as well as making better projects with others.
I've started focusing more on music, too, improving my current "skills", developing and improving music I've created new and old. I've started learning how to edit and manipulate recordings, and even started learning new instruments.
Creative writing - a long term passion of mine that's inexplicably lay dormant in recent years - is coming back with great vengeance. My mind is once again a whirl of inspiration, spurring my fingers on to slap the keyboard in all manners of nonsensical ways. Suddenly, colourful explosions at the edges of my mind are seeping into my peripheral vision, forming swirling masses of images and words, begging to be written down, or scrawled into a notepad with crude, child-like pictures etched over the pages.
As well as all of this creativity floating around, I've just been given some fantastic news. My oldest and dearest friend recently asked if I could be the best man at his wedding late next year. I almost choked up with honour that he even thought to choose me. Not only was he the reason I had one of the greatest Christmas's of my life this year, he's also given me something to focus on into 2012 - and the perfect opportunity to finally visit Edinborough. (Hopefully my best man speech won't be as erratically irrelevant as this).
So, once again, thank you... Nameless friend.
(Wanless)
So I relish the harsh times ahead. They'll happen regardless, so I might as well embrace them. Learn from them. And if possible, in some masochistic way, enjoy them.
There's no point wallowing in self pity. Not everything happens for a reason. Things happen, both good and bad. They're coming. You probably don't see them coming, but they're there, lurking around the corner, ready to strike when you're most content.
I need to be at peace in my own mind, it seems, before I can truly be happy. That's not a new years resolution – it's just something I should have done a long time ago. But now, things have changed. I've changed.
2012 - come at me, bro.
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